The Real Santa

Simon was riding alone in the back seat of the van, we were headed home. Radio was on, we were chatting as usual. Suddenly, in a quiet moment, he looked right at me and asked "Are you and Daddy Santa Claus?"
My heart plummeted. I knew it was coming, saw the signs over the past year and a half but oh, I was so not ready for this conversation. I looked into the rear view mirror and saw my boy, with his big blue eyes, looking wonderingly at me, contemplating whether he would get the answer he hoped/dreaded. But what my mind's eye saw was Simon at 3, looking at my from his booster seat, clutching his favorite Thomas Train in his hand.
I cleared my throat and asked "Well, what do you think?" Really, it was a delaying tactic, and boy oh boy, was I hoping he would get distracted and not remember he asked. I know, I didn't really think that'd happen but I was still hoping.

"I think that it's you and Daddy. I mean, part of me really knows that Santa can't actually do all those things and part of me thinks he's really real." Again, I glance back and say, "Can we talk about this at home? I don't want to discuss this when I can't give you my full attention."What can I say, I was all about delaying this convo.

We made it home, went in, got snacks and settled down in the den. Simon in his chair and me on the couch. My stomach was churning and I sent up a quick prayer "please, please, let me find the words that will make this okay."

Me: So Simon, I will tell you the truth. I think you are old enough to know the answer to your question. The truth is, Daddy and I are the ones who get you those presents and fill your stockings. Just like my parents did for me and like you will do for your kids someday. Santa is bigger than one person. And, now you know the secret and you can help pass on the wonder to all those younger kids.

I waited. First, I saw delight in his eyes as he realized he knew the secret. Then, just as quickly, I saw the disappointment that came. Boy, do I remember those feelings and boy, I felt pretty awful to be the cause of the disappointment.

Simon: Well, I had a few clues about it over the years. I saw the paper that Santa used to wrap our presents (oops! thought Mom) and Santa always seemed to get presents that had the same packaging as the stuff in the store.
Me: Santa is rather like a game that we play. There are lots of things that we cannot see and yet we believe in. Santa helps in that way. And, like I said, Santa is bigger than just one person. Santa is the sharing, the caring, the...
Simon interrupts "I get it, Santa is the whole wonderful Christmas feeling!"
Yep, I said. (apparently, my speaking skills were rather limited at this point)
We talked some more and he admitted that he knew if he asked me or Dad point blank, we would tell him the truth. "Even if I don't want to hear it, you and Daddy always tell me the truth when I ask you." Well, thank goodness, at least we did something right!
Simon told me that he was happy to know the truth even though he was also sad at the same time because part of him really wanted Santa to be real. He also reassured me that he would not spoil things for Carissa, "cause that would break her heart and even though I like teasing her, I couldn't hurt her that way." I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to force back the tears that were threatening.
Some hugs later, things settled down, and he seemed to be back to normal. Watched some Disney tv show and both of us recovered.
Until about 15 minutes later when I heard him mutter "oh man, does this mean the Easter Bunny isn't real, either?!"